Someone (a vendor, of course!) recently pointed out to me that I’m not so easy on vendors in my Tweets. So I figured it might be an interesting exercise to humorously dissect my relationships with vendors in the form of some “how to” letters to anonymous vendors.

Dear Vendor:

Thank you so much for calling to see if you can get my business. Unfortunately, your telephone signal was so unclear that I could neither understand your name nor number. Have a good life!

Dear Vendor:

Well, I assume you’re a vendor. You didn’t mention a company name, and your voice mail just said, “Please give me a call.” I didn’t find your name in the company directory or on my vendor contact list, so I assume you had the wrong number?

Dear Vendor:

That testy voice mail you left me whining about how you have been trying to get me and you hope I’m polite enough to call you back? Yeah; not so much.

Dear Vendor:

I think we got started wrong. I walked up to your booth wearing a suit and a convention name tag. Despite my utter lack of cleavage, you somehow thought I was a booth babe. Then you looked completely shocked when I happened to mention that I was the head of an IT department and might be in the market for your product. I’m wondering which forehead tattoo might have helped clear up the situation, and would really appreciate your help choosing one from the following list:

• NOT a booth babe.
• BS from MIT + MBA (highest honors) from Simmons
• IT Director
• Both a beauty AND a geek
• Brains inside!

Sincerely,
Jenn

But seriously, if you’re a vendor and want my business, be friendly, understand what my company does, and solve a problem for me. If I don’t have a problem for you to solve right now, accept it gracefully and let me know that you’d still like to build a relationship with me. That’s what works for me, and will probably work for most of my colleagues as well.